Hello! I’m trying to sort myself into doing things I hope to do, and slowly fulfil them one by one. It’s been a little difficult to get into a consistent practice being the way I am, the person that I am. Instead of using this web space, I’ve been busy trying to pen myself down in analogue form, in my journals. In other times, I’d created a ‘book’ in Pages, and a journal in OneNote. I’m not so sure why I’ve been trying different things. But, I do recognise that I enjoy discovering that I can do so many things on different platforms, even if I don’t continue. I’d start, satisfy my curiosity, and move on.

Given that I’ve created a chapter here, Chapter 79, hopefully this would be a consistent space to contain some of the curiosities I’ve been up to. I’m trying. I’m not sure how long I’ll keep this up. Let’s hope it’ll be as consistent as my analogue journalling adventures — though I’ve never actually put them up for the public to see. Like who’d care, though.

This space is just to record some of the things I’ve learnt, experienced and discovered on a day to day basis. If it matters, it matters. If it doesn’t, it’s totally fine. I’m hoping to see how much of a philosophical being I am.

I type as quickly as the words flow, if it’d mean anything. It’s as if trying to imprint upon the words that just come to mind at this very second, this very moment, if I may. So, here goes…

Some time before June started, I’d started on a new journal, placed it at my desk at work, and would write as a means of sorting my thoughts for the day. I’d start writing with just that one pen meant for the exercise, and pen down whatever clutter I’d had after working through all that I needed to for my students’ classes. It also worked as a form of meditative exercise, to wind down, in about five to ten minutes before I knocked off for the day.

Before that, I’d been using the wind-down time drawing in my other journals, but it didn’t turn out to be as consistent; more of something just to fill up the free time. I’ve come to realise I prefer the consistent writing exercise, where drawing is just to express a small part of it.

Today, I decided to open another journal at home. Both this and the above-mentioned, are just plain grid notebooks. They’d been lying around looking pretty for the longest time. I had to do something about it.

Randomly starting this book – cum – journal today to include my random thoughts by hand instead of digital means. I am now ironically replicating what I’d written, into this space, hoping to fulfil my webspace publishing dreams. I will only include an essence of it, at least I think I will.

Like the former, and making it purposefully intentional, I’d chosen a pen to stick to and through this new book’s process. This allowed me to unearth my long forgotten and underused Decimo. I didn’t realise I’d bought a Medium nib. I’ve recently taken a liking to finer pen tips and nibs. Maybe, this would help me in, or using or come up with a different POV.

When everything

looks skewed

like do every

perspective

of a person.

— was what I’d thought of when I saw that I’d illustrated an extremely skewed view of my hand holding the fountain pen as I
tried to draw and observe simultaneously.

Earlier this morning, as I was doing my dishes, thinking of what to prepare for brunch, I realised a few things about myself.

1. The fact that I could just consider which ingredient to pull out of the fridge for a meal.
   
2. The gratification I get from pulling out the jar of cold brew that I’d placed in the fridge approximately 18 hours before, to enjoy for the week.
   
3. The success I’d felt from creating a better brew than the first, a week ago — after having realised that a coarse to heavily coarser grind would be best for a cold brew.
   
4. It didn’t take much to put a smile on my face, nor get my hands moving to complete one chore to the next, calmly, living through the moment — almost, meditatively.

I am self-sufficient. I make sure to have everything I’d ever need or want, available, within hands’ reach, so that I could last for a longer period without have to replenish something.

I’d make home so comfortable, that I wouldn’t need to leave to gain some comfort or happy moments. I don’t feel like I’m missing out or losing out on anything. I don’t need to depend on someone to do something for me, since I’d try to figure it out for myself, in my own time and space. I don’t like rushing through the figuring out process. I would rather take the time to appreciate and internalise the learning process, going through the experience with mindful observation or sensory triggers to reach my own AHA moment, the silent zings and zaps of connections made to my personal schema of the understanding of things. Like how any ignorance becomes enlightened by the light of knowledge or spark of discovery. I’m trying to put together words to explain my figurative thoughts, but wonder if I’ve actually married the right ones to express them.

My thoughts flow into these words at a speed where my hand could only write or type them as fast. I wonder sometimes, if they are even coherent or if they actually make any sense.

I find it quite amazing that I’m able to preoccupy myself without having to worry about the company of another. Though, it brings me to question how would that company complement me, my strange self.

As I was reflecting upon my work self, I’d realised a few things.

1. Being in charge isn’t what I want or enjoy doing.
   
2. Having some decision power to what I can do or contribute, empowers me, and I enjoy that freedom to create. Though, it’d be more efficient if I was given a few criteria or guidelines to work by or design against.
   
3. I could easily adapt to partner different working personalities or styles. But, I’d always try to work on something that would give a plus point to each of them — to give a 1-UP, a benefit of some sort.
   
4. I’m okay working on my own.

So, I’m okay being on my own. It would be nice, however, if someone adopted me so that I could have an alternate complement to work with, or enjoy the company of.

The complement would need to have the same calibre of thought flow, or as quick or even faster than mine.

If there’s none, then, I’ll just be on my own. And, it would look as if I’m fine by myself, which is also not untrue.

It is indeed an interesting moment in time, when you’ve come to manage to elicit or figure out some understanding of yourself.

I wonder, if there is anyone out there, who would have had the same or similar thoughts and experiences?

to be continued