I write this as of 22:56 JST on August 2nd, Tuesday.

As I sit here, possibly attempting to regain my resolute focus on things and my thought process, yet again, I still am trying. It has been quite a trying 2-month odd life’s experience. Frustratingly trying at times, extremely happy and thankful at times, excruciating all the same. It seems pretty amazing to me how I could fit all the these words side by side into the same line. Definitely the oxymoron. I’m probably a living oxymoron.

At a point where I’d thought that I’d reached some comfortable place at work, to be able to converse with people, without worry for whatever unknown underlying drama or stories, I suppose I was mistaken. I still try to just continue as I am, the way I am, to the best of my own person. If anyone that I’d worked with before back where I came from, were to come meet the me now, they’d probably be taken aback, or at least give me that stare of disbelief. I’m definitely not the same person that I was before. We all change or transform or evolve in some way or another.

I admit, I still don’t fully get the people around me. I don’t think friendship is on the tables, in the office. Every interaction seems fleeting, temporal, not as deep as I’d hoped it would be. I only hope for a sincere company where we could have deeper conversations. Perhaps, I’ve only managed to make a teeny bit of progress these past months. No, nope, seems hardly possible. Why? I can’t seem to talk to them after work. I only want to make some friends for non-work things. But here, work, is work, a place. Well, I’m not surprised, since I was that way back where I came from. This is despite how everyone else having had friendships in the workplace, but I couldn’t see myself that way. Work, was work, a place. So much so that, I’d probably fallen in love with work so much that so many years have passed me by. I wonder about all the people I’ve ever known. Again, fleeting friendships, or friends made over communal and social events over common interests. Would I start over the same way here?

I was given an unofficial offer or a discussion of a sort, for more years here, in a different position. I’m still trying to envision my everyday if it were to take place. If all the people I’d known on a personal basis (for deeper conversations and non-work things), mostly hometown friends, have returned back home, who else would there be left? Of course, it’s the people that I’d have to see every day at the work place. How deep of a relationship beyond being colleagues, can it even be? I do not know, frankly. Having been here for more than 1.5 years, I suppose I have yet to reach that level with anyone. Definitely, I miss the close friendships I’ve had before having started this stint.

I still wonder about it till today. If I’d grown up here, then perhaps, I might have some friends now. But, that’s already not the case.

On one fine day, June 23rd, I’d thought I’d at least made a friend or at least I wouldn’t define it as being colleagues. Fast forward till today, it seems I might be mistaken. Friends would at least try to keep in touch or communicate, isn’t it? I should have noticed my mistake earlier. If I hadn’t been so mentally clouded, I might have seen it clearly. I suppose it took me a little longer to notice it this time. Sometimes, your mind just plays tricks on you, clouding you into seeing your imaginary scenarios, but not the reality of it. So yes, let’s stop this here. やめて置いてください、自分に。I don’t regret having done things I’ve never done my whole life to have reached this point. Imagine, I actually tried so hard to communicate with the other person, despite my clouded state. This, not realising that the other person may have just been over friendly.

No, I’m a normal person. I can misunderstand, too. If you use such strong eye contact, I can misunderstand, too. Until now, I can’t forget that look and the care and attention you gave me that I thought wasn’t how anyone would react normally. Since I didn’t get a reply or response to my question, I think I should stop before getting hurt. It’s going to take me quite some time to.

Hi calm sanity, please return to my mental state and clear up the clouds? I’d appreciate it very much. そんなにもやもやにしてるは嫌だ。前からずっとふわふわにされたのに。本当に辛いに気がしてます。心が守りたいんです。絶対に。

Worst part is? We’re all masked. I can’t even read lips or facial expressions, only the eyes. And, those eyes got to me. どうしても、出会って話してて良かったと思ってたのに。返事が無いから、どの関係で仲良くすれば良いもう分からん。と言うことになった。

And, this was meant to be the happier part of communicating that I’d thought I would be able to achieve. There was the other extreme that happened, but I don’t wish to include it as a memory here.

I hope, tomorrow will be a better day. Let’s just find my way back to my earlier mindset, before this post. It’s nice to have a companion, but it’s all right to be on my own. And, not wait for imaginary responses. Let’s hope this works out.