I’m back, surprisingly quicker that I would have. I write this as of August 5th, 13:42 hours.

I can only make guesses and assumptions, if I’m unable to speak to someone in person. Maybe it’s because I have more free time to myself this summer, albeit もっと寂しくなっちゃう。So, I end up trying to find familiarity by going back to my workplace for no apparent reason — or maybe, I do have reasons, which I do not wish to publicise. It’s the only other place that I’d have my everyday, other than where I stay. How uncanny it is, that I’d end up falling in love with the people and the workplace. I suppose it’s truly my 3rd year syndrome, something that hit me in my previous job back home. After the 3rd year, I wouldn’t want to budge or go somewhere else. It’s hard enough to grow roots in a place, and once you’re familiar with something, it grows on you.

I suppose I never really changed. People and things grow on me. No matter how awkward or how distant I may seem to come across as initially; probably due to the uncertainty of building permanence when I’m on an annual contract basis — meaning, I might have to leave one day, therefore the fear of missing people if I become too attached; I keep a lot of feelings to myself.

In recent months, I’d probably leaked out those feelings and emotions. Something I found exhilarating — being able to communicate with others in a language that I wasn’t fully confident in. Takes time to overcome the inertia. Takes time to show a sense of confidence with all the nerves on the inside. Takes time to build a comfortable enough defence to allow me to have a personal boundary. I realised I’d only started to do so after June 23rd. I’m not sure what did it. I only know that I might have crossed paths with something or someone that has shifted my life’s goals. Reason being, my initial resolve and visions of being back in Sg were slowly replaced by other visions. It confused me on occasions, but as time passed, I’m beginning to question myself too.

Considering that there’s been an unofficial offer, I am debating the idea of continuing to stay put. So, that sheer want to connect with people grows, more than I thought it would.

Just yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with a friend who’s now flown back for the summer. Next year, it might be going back for good. Sigh. That’s one of the things I kind of dread, and so, am trying to find a sense of balance to have another human to talk to, comfortably, without judgement, just letting me be who I am. Funny, how after she tried to share her analysis of it all, I figured I’m just quite the living oxymoron. Figure this:

• Virgo
• Year of the Ox
• AB+
• INFJ-T

So, there’s no getting away from how deep I’d get into something, and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. Unless, there’s an absolute rejection from the other side, or there’s an impossible hurdle to overcome — which I might actually continue to keep overcoming until I’ve exhausted all options and attempt power. Or, if the curiosity is fulfilled, or dies out.

I thought at one point, my curiosity for new things would die out while being here. Since, that was what got me started on this work stint in the first place. At some points, I feel like giving up, really. When you’re all alone most times at home, you only have your self monologues to rely upon, to make decisions, to weigh options. So, when it really got too tough, I had to write them down somewhere, hoping for an answer — continuously searching.

Life does amazing things on you. My lifelong learning curiosity never seems to end — whether for interest, for work, for people, etc. For life.

I thought I’d given up, told myself to stop. Funnily, being the oxymoron that I am, I reread the messages. Rewinded the in-person encounters that I’d had in my mind. It’s one thing to be able to visualise memories and conjectures so accurately like videos in your head. It’s another to keep rewinding that moment that you tried very hard to understand what just took place; all the unspoken. It seems, I’m encountering more unspoken things here, than I’ve ever had in Sg. Or, I might just be too free at hand to have the time to keep reanalysing. Drives me crazy some days, that I’d have to distract myself by working on a knitting project, or watch a drama series on Netflix, or eat something tasty, etc.

I admit, I’m clumsy when it comes to people relations. Especially those that really matter to me personally, on a deeper level. Not knowing how they might think or feel about it, scares me more than me actually doing something for it. In search of that answer to know, I end up with my little cow(bull)dozing through it, to try and get through to the other party. In spite of the embarrassment one might normally experience as the aftermath. I, however, would feel more embarrassed by the fact that I did not do something about it.

True to my own words, I went back to work yesterday (although I’d no business to), to go to the library. Remember how I’d shared that I’m not so much of a reader myself? I surprised myself. To get my brains started and to distract myself from consistent thoughts and imagined conversations/encounters with a certain person, I sat at my work desk, and cleaned out everything there is to. Gave me quite a refreshed kind of mental state. I didn’t know I’d needed that.

After a good reorganisation of things, I took my bag and headed off to the library on the same floor, which has since caught my intrigue after last weekend’s encounter. Sat through a few hours till closing time, reading, “The Dignity of a Woman 女性の品格” an English translated copy. I actually read from start till Pg 114 in that seating – an amazing feat on a personal level, truly. Made me question myself and whether I’m lacking in some ways, said dignity.

When I’d finally received some form of reply, usually the first impression of it counts, right? Mine was sheer exhilaration. I couldn’t quite explain it. I’d tried to read in between lines (although I may be wrong, まだまだ空気読めないから). I tried rereading. I tried thinking if I may have misread it. I just decided to trust my guts on it.

I’d shared it with said friend who knows about my internal turmoil (an excruciatingly exhilarating one) over this matter. She’d given alternative thoughts about it. I suppose it’s true that everyone has their own thoughts and views on things. Still, I choose to stick with my guts. I may be wrong, but I feel what I feel. I don’t know where this is going to go. But, I do know that I’d like for it to be forever, with this certain person.

So, my personal journalling is starting to be quite a rollercoaster of my internal turmoil. Haha! Is this how it’s meant to be? All the uncertainty eating at me. The fluffiness of those moments when our eyes meet. The unspoken words through all the polite single sentences. How you’d scoot away from the copier, behind me, only for me to notice it when you’re exiting. I wished I knew when to turn my head and look. Yet, when you’re there and I can hear you, I wished I could hide under the desk or in the drawer.

I think you were there, standing, looking at me from a distance, while I was cleaning out my desk yesterday. At least my peripheral vision and my guts felt it. I may be wrong.

Dear Guts, pray tell what should I do about this?

I did another clumsy thing today. Maybe, I should just preoccupy myself with making things, to distract myself for this whole month. OMG. 1 month. How am I going to get through this… alone.

会いたいです。声を聞きたいです。